I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me
Till then I'll walk alone...
Excerpted from "Boulevard of broken dreams" by Green Day
I have to respect the explorers of the old world. When they set out, they had no idea how long their journey would take, nor if it would even bear fruit. I find myself in much the same situation.
I've been keeping a private journal. While I have to admit that I love writing for an audience, I was finding that even though this is anonymous, I was unable to be as candid as necessary because I knew other people would read it. That said, I didn't want to lose the therapeutic value proffered by writing my thoughts and feelings, so I began recording them privately.
Ultimately, I may post excerpts of those writings here. Then again, I may not. (Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.) I would like to periodically update you on my journey, though. For the record: it continues.
I've been going to counseling each and every week, and I'm really applying myself. For me, this has become as much an intimate journey of discovering myself as a healing process. I'm striving to learn who I am, and to improve myself.
During the course of my soul-searching, I noticed a very distinct pattern in my past relationships. I'm coming to understand it, and trying to break it. Most recently, that meant being honest and realistic, and ending a relatively new relationship. (We've agreed that we still care for one another, and we will remain friends.)
I've always known that I hated being alone, and now I'm trying to figure out why. Sure, a lot of people don't like being alone. But I really loathe it. For example, I've been known to skip meals rather than eat them by myself. It's one of the things I'm working on.
I guess at the end of the day, nobody is perfect.